Tom Clancy, Eat Your Heart Out

I spent the last two days reading Tom Clancy's Without Remorse (mainly because it's about John Clark, who was played by the yummy Liev Schreiber in that otherwise crappy movie, Sum of All Fears).

Imagine my surprise when I come back to the Internet (Land of Crazy Theories) and find that my online friends group, the UCF, has been outed as a super secret counter intelligence group. Damn. And we had planned it all so well.

JTankers, online "intelligence" analyst (CONTROL to our KAOS, if you will) has figured out not only our secret organization's true name (Uniformed Counter-Intelligence Force), but our command structure (Nathan is Our Leader), and funding (tax dollars, of course). Our true purpose is to confound the truly brilliant members of our society, like Walter Wagner (defender of the innocent and opponent of the LHC), who refuse to buy into the propaganda of The Man. Our cover as a geeky, opinionated group of individualists has been blown.


Well, as self-proclaimed Librarian for the group, I'll document the insanity here:
Janiece Posts a Provocative Post About Wagner

JTankers Reveals The Truth
Janiece Admits The Truth
Eric's Utterly Hilarious Origins Story
Nathan Reacts to the Revelation He Is Our Leader
Kim Speaks on the Difficulty of a Double Life
Vince Tips a Monty-Pythonesque Hat To JTankers
Michelle Reveals Her Own Origins Story
Ilya Uncloaks Himself And Posts a Cool Rollover Logo
Edited to Add:
Jeri Tells of Her Career As An Independent Intelligence Analyst
How MWT joined the Uniformed Counter-Intelligence Force
Shawn Ruins the Universe In a YouTube Video
JTankers Revises The Truth

My Thanks to JTankers for his clever detective work. Oh, wait... what's my motivation again? Right. Got it.

Curse you, JTankers! [shakes fist]


My Own Origins Story:

[Squinting in the hot and bright light that shines in my face and isolates me from the shadowy figures in the otherwise darkened room]

Ow! All right! I'll tell you my story if you quit giving me noogies and an indian burn!

It all started one blustery day as I was doing a site walk on my project. They had just poured the 29th level slab and it was hard enough to walk on, but not completely set yet. Suddenly, the wind picked up. The port-a-potties shook enough that I began to worry about the traffic below. Then the source of the increased wind appeared. A small helicopter was descending, landing on the newly poured slab!

A man stepped out. He wore a heavy overcoat, pulled up around his neck and ears, but I knew him by the glasses and mustache.


It was Nathan. Janiece had warned me he might show up, so I avoided spending much time on the street, in alleys, or in smoky bars. I never suspected he would be so bold, and told him as much.

"My cover as a location manager allows me access to surprising places," he said with a smirk. "The production company will be disappointed that I found this high-rise construction site to be too restricted for their purposes, but hey, that's what they pay me for."

I asked him what he wanted. If he told me, I might be able to get him to leave and get off my damn concrete.

"I'm putting together a new group. It'll be a hairy ride, but worth it. We'll be fighting a good fight against those who would derail the Establishment."

That was baloney, I knew. Nathan always knew which side his bread was buttered on.

"Can't fool you, not like some," he laughed, and I wondered if he meant someone in particular. "No, in addition to the honor of Maintaining Status Quo, you'll be paid. It's government money though, and you know how stingy Congress can be."

More baloney. The government doesn't know diddly about how anything works, so all they can do is throw money at it. The budget would be big. Really big. But I didn't have to let Nathan know I knew that until after I had negotiated a big enough cut for myself.

I realized what that meant. I was seriously considering his offer. I played for time. Negotiations would go better if he thought I was reluctant. I asked about the other probable recruits.

"Janiece, of course," he said. "After what she did to salvage things the first time around... not to mention protecting all... well, most of our asses." He paused, considering which names would be the most persuasive. "Eric, JTS, Vince, Tania, most of the old crew..."

Jim and MWT's names were conspicuously absent, so I challenged him on that.

He smiled. "I just located MWT, hiding out in Georgia, of all places. That's my next recruit to approach. Thought it might be helpful to have your buy in first."

I smiled at the flattery, but dismissed it.

Jim? I prompted again.

Nathan grimaced. "Finally tracked the bastard down in Alaska, but caught him on a migraine day. Thought it might be good to let him cool off again before a second approach. My sources say he's open to the job though."

I grimaced at the thought of tangling with Jim on a migraine day too. Nathan had been lucky to escape unharmed... it was then that I understood the stiff way Nathan held his left arm against his side. Left arm, not his dominant right. Nathan was right, Jim was open to the job.

I wanted to ask about the others, but decided he'd been on my building long enough. The ruts in the concrete were setting up around the bottom rails of the helo. Any longer and it'd be even harder to repair.

I told him I was interested, but wanted to talk about my cut. Even more, I wanted him to get his butt off my building. He heard sirens in the distance, one of those ubiquitous fire engines that was almost always buzzing by, and mistook it for police cars.

"I'll be in touch," he said, putting his hand out. We used the secret coded handshake and then he was gone, leaving ugly grooves in the surface of my concrete and a new excitement for the future.


Nathan said...

I thought we were still waiting for Shawn to invent the secret handshake. Once again, I discover that you guys don't tell me anything.

Being the leader sucks!

Random Michelle K said...

Just like Nathan to mess up your concrete.

Nathan, you NEVER read your mail. This is so TOTALLY not our fault.

Jeri said...

Heee! Great story.

Hope he was able to take off! ;)

Mummy Grabill said...

I find it highly suspect that JTankers "Reveals the Truth" blog has been updated on February 2nd, 2009! (que dramatic music!) What could this mean?!? If he can't get the date straight, that doesn't bode well for his other facts . . . Grabill's can be confused, but not THAT confused! (smirk)

MWT said...

Mine's up now too. ;)