5.19.2004

Ambition and Fear

Is there something wrong with me that makes me unambitious in my field? I don't think so, considering I'm not really devoted to my field as it is currently defined. Architecture is great - don't get me wrong - but I just don't have the burning desire to do it or talk about it all the time. I have friends that do, so I see what it's "supposed" to look like. I do that when it comes to writing. I have got to get out of this river and into that one.

Recently, my firm hired a new "job captain", the position that I, as a lowly "architectural intern" or "cad drafter" (both horrible titles, one implying I am still in school and the other that I only have a 2 yr associates degree) am supposed to be working towards. Do I feel supplanted or cut off from advancement? No, not really. (To be absolutely honest I feel a little relieved that I'm not under pressure to become the next job captain right away.)
A co-worker with whom I have had issues in the past said "I have something to talk to you about." and I immediately felt a chill of apprehension. Was she going to tell me I have been too ambitious, too condescending lately or that I need to make more effort to look like I've stepped out of a NY fashion magazine like she does. Eeep!
Turns out, no she just wanted to vent about the current organization of project staffing. (Funny thing is, my concern must have shown because she said "Don't worry, you're not in trouble or anything.) She's getting bored as a mere "job captain" but hasn't finished passing the 9 or 11 exams you have to pass to get a license. I think she figured she would have a sympathetic ear what with all my frustrated ambition (NOT!). I glossed over my own apathy and supported her search to find something more challenging.

So we come back around to the lack of ambition (to advance, not to do a good job) in this field. Is there something wrong with me? Yes and no. I'm in the wrong field.

1 comment:

Aileen said...

hmmmm . . . I guess your answer of "yes and no" is the best answer. I must say that I don't know that I feel particularly ambitious in my field. Well . . . I don't know if that's exactly true; I mean, I do want to advance and all, but more than anything I am ambitious in my personal life. I only want a job that will allow me to live life to the fullest outside of my job. Does that make sense? All I know is that at the young age of 30, you've got plenty of time to get where you're going!