6.07.2006

In the trough

Like a wave swelling and falling, my emotions dipped below equanimity today. Yesterday I felt great because I got some nice compliments on my appearance and had the lovely honor of having two far away friends comment on my last post within 24 hours of posting it. Today, in the middle of the day, someone reminded me of... well, let's just say an instance a few months ago when my jealousy got the better of me. The situation is gone, but just being reminded of it made me feel sick to my stomach again. It's bad enough to have experienced it once, but to relive the pain just from the memory of it... I just don't understand emotions sometimes.
Anyway, after work, I went grocery shopping. My heart wasn't in it at first. I didn't really feel like eating at all, so to plan something to eat was a bit of a challenge. I did find a couple things, and I tried to focus on the moment (my usual escape from dwelling too much on the past or the future). Then, the Universe helped me out. The store music started playing an instumental version of John Denver's "Annie's Song." It's one of my favorites, not only because it's got my name in the title, but because the words are so beautiful and the sentiments it speaks of are those I wish to have in a relationship someday. It focused me on what I really deserve in life, not what I see in others' lives and want for myself. It's a fine distinction, but an important one.
In the end, the Universe gave me another little reward. I had thought about buying a DVD for myself in Costco ($19), but decided to wait. And in Safeway they had DVDs "buy one get one free". So I got two classics - The Great Escape & The Magnificent Seven - for $10. Life is good.

2 comments:

Aileen said...

Glad things looked clear in the end. :-) Don't be too hard on yourself, you are only human, and they sheer fact that you see yourself clearly puts you ahead of a great deal of the world population! I love you!

belsum said...

Aw. What she said. You are so self-aware. It's quite astonishing at times. Don't come down on yourself for one little slip. You are a good person!